**Beijing, China** — In a stunning geopolitical twist, Chinese officials have publicly accused the United States of “brazenly appropriating” the coveted title of “World’s Imminent Threat,” a designation China claims has been rightfully theirs for decades. The declaration came just days after U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth called China an “imminent threat” during a high-profile security conference in Singapore, a statement that has reportedly sent shockwaves through the halls of Chinese power.
Speaking to a packed press room, Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesman Xun Yu declared, “We have held this title since the late 90s, when we were the go-to backdrop for every thriller movie and international arms race. Now, thanks to the Americans, we find ourselves in the precarious position of not only being accused of imminent threat status but also having it snatched away like a piece of dim sum at a buffet. This is unacceptable.”
Sources close to the Chinese government reveal that they have long prided themselves on their stringent adherence to the “imminent threat” mold, which includes highly publicized military parades, extensive cyber warfare, and the occasional territorial dispute. “We’ve put in the work,” Xun continued. “We’ve made serious investments in our ‘threat portfolio.’ We’ve even updated our resume: capable of power projection, adept in subterfuge, and proficient in the art of cold stares across the Taiwan Strait.”
Beijing has announced plans to reclaim their title through a series of increasingly outrageous threats, including but not limited to the construction of “threateningly intricate sand castles” along its coastline and the launch of a new, non-threatening line of action dolls based on historic world leaders titled “Menace Masters.”
Moreover, in a gesture of goodwill, Beijing is reportedly reaching out to prominent figures in Hollywood to collaborate on a blockbuster film titled *Imminent Threat: The Reckoning*, positing a scenario where the U.S. faces “devastating consequences” derived from its own questionable allegiance to international norms.
“They’re using our trademarked suspense tactics without our permission,” lamented Ho Liang, an expert in international relations and passive-aggressive dining etiquette. “If anyone should be warning about devastating consequences, it’s us. We have years of experience in the art of the unexpected missile test. Hegseth should prepare for some friendly competition at best and, at worst, a soup-dumping incident at a diplomatic banquet.”
In response to China’s outcry, U.S. officials have doubled down, claiming the title is inherently fluid and that “anybody can be an imminent threat if they believe in themselves.” Secretary Hegseth defended the move, stating, “The threat is imminent because it’s now trending—just like viral dances on TikTok. We can’t let our reputation slip.”
As both nations continue to grapple for supremacy over this fragile title, analysts predict that the war of words may soon escalate into an all-out “Threat-Off,” highlighting just how deep the rivalry runs. Only time will reveal who will emerge victorious in this absurd new battlefield of international prestige.
