*By Vladimir Ironov, Onion News Network*
*MOSCOW, RUSSIA —* In an alarming trend that has set social media abuzz, officials are reporting that bridges in Russia are collapsing at a rate faster than citizens can create puns about the situation. The recent structural failures have led to seven fatalities and numerous injuries, with citizens jumping at the chance to deliver their best “In Russia, bridge crosses you” jokes, only to find the situation changing faster than their punchlines can keep up.
Reports indicate that two bridges in the regions bordering Ukraine collapsed within hours of each other, a feat so remarkable that local comedian Dmitry Smirnov declared, “What do you call it when a bridge collapses while you’re crossing it? A punchline that just can’t land!”
Witnesses report the events unfolded with a tragic efficiency. “We were just standing there, making our jokes,” said local resident Oksana Pavlov, “when suddenly the ground shook. We thought it was from laughter, but it turned out the bridge was collapsing right before our eyes! People are now struggling to deliver the perfect punchline before the next bridge goes down.”
Civil engineer Igor Solidarity—who recently conducted a study titled “Why Are All Our Bridges Falling Down?”—offered insight into this unprecedented phenomenon. “Bridges were never a strong point in infrastructure here,” he explained, “but now they’re collapsing faster than a politician’s approval rating. At this rate, we might need a new category for bridge humor—‘infrastructure-based existential dread.’”
As authorities scrambled to assess the damage, Russian citizens took to social media to share their disappointment over being unable to keep up with the influx of bridge-related quips. The irony was not lost on many, with trending hashtags such as #InRussiaBridgesFail and #TooFastForJokes gaining traction.
“I was about to tweet, ‘In Russia, bridge crosses you,’ with a video of the collapse,” said 24-year-old Mikhail Tikhonov, “but I realized the bridge fell so fast, I’d just have to change it to ‘In Russia, bridge collapses before you can find your phone!’”
In a twist of fate more surreal than the ongoing murmurs of civil engineering incompetency, a group of local stand-up comedians have reportedly proposed a new show titled “Cross Your Fingers, It’s Safe!” where audience members are invited to sit beneath mocked-up versions of the collapsing bridges. “We figured if the bridges are going to keep falling, why not give people a front-row seat to the actual chaos?” said Smirnov, who is both excited and terrified at the same time.
As Russian constructors hurriedly assemble temporary bridges, citizens are left wondering how long it will take for jokes about the next inevitable collapse to catch up to reality. For now, however, locals will just have to hope the next structural failure doesn’t happen during their next punchline delivery.
“Maybe if we all just stand further away,” Pavlov suggested, “the bridges will start holding up long enough for jokes to catch up. The way things are going, I might just have to resort to knock-knock jokes instead.”
As bridge failures continue unabated, one thing remains clear: if laughter is the best medicine, the people of Russia might soon find themselves in need of a structural engineer.
