*KANANASKIS, Alberta — June 14, 2023* — In a groundbreaking move aimed at fostering civic engagement and promoting positivity, organizers of the upcoming G7 summit announced today that they will distribute “participation ribbons” to protest participants, ensuring their voices are acknowledged even when they are not part of the decision-making process.
The initiative, which was revealed during a press conference led by RCMP Chief Supt. David Hall, is aimed at soothing tensions that often arise during international summits. Hall stated, “We acknowledge that protests can be a divisive aspect of modern governance. By handing out participation ribbons, we hope to encourage a spirit of friendly competition among demonstrators while simultaneously providing them with a tangible sign of their civic involvement.”
Each ribbon, vividly emblazoned with the words “I protested at G7!” will be given to individuals who register at designated protest zones across Kananaskis. In an effort to boost morale, organizers have also announced the creation of a ranking system, rewarding the loudest chants with gold, silver, and bronze ribbons.
The announcement has been met with mixed emotions. Local activist, Marjorie Whitetree, expressed excitement over the recognition, saying, “I appreciate the ribbons; it’s like a trophy for being angry about global inequities! Who needs policy change when I can wear a shiny badge of honor?”
However, some protesters have suggested that handing out ribbons trivializes the serious issues they aim to address. Longtime environmental activist Ian Greenleaf raised concerns by stating, “Will there be a ribbon for those of us who feel ribbon distribution distracts from the actual problems we’re trying to highlight? Because I think I deserve one for that as well.”
In a twist of irony, organizers plan to livestream the protests directly to the G7 leaders, allowing them to watch the demonstration in real-time while enjoying a curated selection of artisanal cheeses. Attendees will be encouraged to send instant messages of support for the protesters, further fostering a sense of community interaction. “We believe in breaking down barriers,” said event coordinator Lila Brightstone. “And what better way to do that than to send a thumbs-up emoji to someone standing in the rain, holding a sign?”
In a further effort to engage the public, summit officials announced an impromptu “People’s Choice Awards” for the best protest slogans, which will be voted on by Twitter users worldwide. Winning slogans will be immortalized in commemorative plaques that will be installed in the Kananaskis Visitor Center, a nod to the significance of grassroots activism.
As activists prepare for the protest, the G7 leaders—currently scheduled to discuss global crises including climate change and economic disparities—may find themselves temporarily distracted by the flutter of participation ribbons and competition among demonstrators. As they say, if you can’t change the world, at least wear something shiny while trying.
As the ribbon distribution begins, it remains to be seen whether this innovative approach will inspire monumental change or simply lead to an awkward number of selfies showcasing protest pride. Either way, officials are optimistic that this summit will be one for the history books, marked not just by dialogues but by a dazzling display of colorful ribbons fluttering in the wind.
