*KYIV, Ukraine (AP)* — As the war in Ukraine enters its third year, recent aerial assessments reveal a troubling new statistic: the skies above Ukraine are now comprised of an astonishing 99% drones, with the remaining 1% accounted for by bewildered pigeons and confused starlings. This alarming figure comes in the wake of Russia’s largest overnight drone bombardment yet, which was executed using nearly 500 unmanned aerial vehicles intended for reconnaissance and aggressive intimidation.
“Frankly, we’re seeing an unusual season for avian activity,” remarked Dr. Vladimir Feathers, a noted ornithologist and consultant with the Ukrainian Air Force. “The spike in drone activity has left fewer birds available for traditional Midwestern summer fun. The local bird population appears to be suffering from existential ennui as they struggle to differentiate themselves from the various drones whizzing past their heads.”
Reports have surfaced of local birdwatchers raising concerns that they are struggling to document their typical summer sightings. Marjana Petrov, a longtime bird enthusiast, lamented, “I went out to spot a rare Eurasian blue tit last week, and I just ended up writing down the serial numbers of killer drones instead. It’s frankly embarrassing.”
The Ukrainian government has initiated a campaign to educate citizens on identifying the senses-defying distinction between common aerial drones and ordinary birds. PR spokesperson Andriy Vil’nyi reported, “The new initiative, titled: ‘Drones or Birds—Know the Difference!’ will equip families with field guides featuring illustrated faux drones with festive hats so that everyone can feel engaged in the ongoing situation.”
In an equally absurd twist, the Ukrainian Ministry of Agriculture announced the plans to also train and arm local birds with small drones equipped with water cannons. “It’s an innovative defense strategy,” declared Agriculture Minister Anna Petryk, “to counteract market competition in aerial surveillance.” Petryk added that the armed birds might also assist in repelling potential brands of new eco-friendly drones being developed by Russia, reportedly under the code name “Feather Strike.”
Meanwhile, local residents are reportedly excited about a seemingly unrelated increase in the population of squirrels that now appear to be piloting drones from makeshift nests. “It’s like a scene from a sci-fi film!” gushed local fisherman Oleksiy Danylov. “Yesterday, I had a squirrel bring me a drone to repair. We’re not sure how it even got it, but I couldn’t help but feel impressed. That squirrel has ambition!”
Ukrainian officials are urging citizens to remain calm amidst this aerial confusion, assuring them that they are making significant progress toward peace negotiations with Russia. As talks reportedly stagnate, citizens can expect increased aerial bombardments along with free birdwatching workshops.
As the drone-strewn skies remain increasingly crowded, ample confusion persists. As one young boy aptly summarized, “I can’t tell if it’s a bird, a drone, or my dad flying a paper airplane anymore. All I know is I’m ducking!”
