**NEW YORK CITY, NY—** In what is being described as an unprecedented development in both the world of afterlife studies and celebrity culture, the spectral figure of Jeffrey Epstein has reportedly taken residence in a New York City federal jail, demanding a posthumous Netflix special detailing his “life after death.”
Federal Bureau of Paranormal Investigations (FBPI), a newly formed agency tasked with managing supernatural aftereffects of high-profile deaths, confirmed on Wednesday that Epstein’s apparition has been sighted frequently in his former cell, where he has reportedly requested a full production crew. “We thought it was just the rumblings of an overactive tabloid,” said FBPI Director Phantasmo Specter. “But when guards reported seeing a disembodied figure chanting ‘I need a producer!’, we knew it was something worth investigating.”
According to eyewitness accounts from guards and inmates, Epstein’s ghost has been seen sporting a glowing quill pen, which it uses to draft potential script lines on the dank, stone walls of his former confinement. In addition to a released statement scribbled in ectoplasm reading “My Next Chapter: From Nine to a Ghost,” the phantom financier is reportedly insistent that the series should be titled “Boo…king Deals in the Afterlife.”
Clyde Wraithman, a leading expert in ghostly public relations, suggests this move indicates a possible trend among restless spirits yearning for the spotlight they once basked in. “It’s a brilliant career move, really,” asserted Wraithman. “With the true-crime genre at its peak and the unique angle of being narratively narrated from beyond, Epstein’s gambit could be the ‘Casper’ for the cancel culture generation.”
In a bizarre twist, Hollywood has started to take notice. A Netflix spokesperson, on condition of anonymity, disclosed that discussions have already begun with potential producers. “We’re always looking for stories that push the boundaries,” noted the spokesperson. “Plus, ghosts do not require catering, transportation, or trailer accommodations, making this an intriguing prospect from a budgetary standpoint.”
Not all reactions have been supportive. Penelope Hauntwell, Director of the Ethical Afterlife Programming Association, expressed concern about the implications of allowing reputedly sinister specters to have their stories told on major platforms. “It sets a dangerous precedent,” Hauntwell warned. “Next thing you know, Jack the Ripper will want a cooking show, and Lizzie Borden will be whacking piñatas on reality TV.”
Meanwhile, the Manhattan Correctional Center has reported an increase in paranormal phenomena since the ghost’s emergence, including inexplicable cold drafts and spectral murmuring of stock tips. Security footage allegedly capturing an otherworldly orb pacing the hallways has since sparked—perhaps predictably—a flurry of new conspiracy theories, many of which speculate a collaborative project involving both Netflix and the newly inaugurated “Ghoststagram,” a social media platform exclusively for the deceased.
As the world remains captivated by Epstein’s ever-expanding saga, one question endures amidst the metaphysical melodrama: If the series proceeds, how will focus groups respond to a protagonist who literally has no skin in the game?
