*WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has left military analysts baffled and pastry chefs elated, the Pentagon announced today a $3 billion investment in a groundbreaking Fortune Cookie Replication Program, a strategic initiative aimed at deterring a potential Chinese invasion of Taiwan by maintaining a robust global supply of fortune cookies.*
Amid mounting geopolitical tensions, defense officials have identified what they call a “cookiesplosion vulnerability” in global diplomatic efforts. According to classified documents accidentally leaked when a Pentagon intern accidentally uploaded them to TikTok, military strategists have identified the fortune cookie as a “cornerstone of international goodwill and cryptic diplomacy.”
“Fortune cookies serve as both a culinary delight and a diplomatic cornerstone,” explained Brigadier General Ronald “Crunchy” O’Malley, head of the newly formed Cookie Warfare Division. “In times of conflict, these cookies could be pivotal in maintaining morale and delivering uplifting messages that inspire hope and unity.”
To bolster this initiative, the Pentagon has partnered with Wong’s Cookie Factory, a California-based confectionery giant known for its high-volume production of the crispy treats. Melissa Wong, CEO, and fourth-generation fortune cookie mogul, praised the Pentagon’s forward-thinking approach. “We’ve always believed in the power of fortunes to change the world,” said Wong while overseeing the installation of new, federally funded cookie presses. “This partnership ensures that no soldier—or diplomat—will go without.”
Experts argue the cookies’ little-known psychological impact on global leaders could tip the balance in moments of crisis. “Imagine President Xi Jinping opening a cookie that reads, ‘Peace is just a handshake away,’ or ‘Today’s conflict is tomorrow’s regret,'” said Dr. Linus Flip, a cookieologist at the Center for Edible Prophecies. “Such messages can be highly persuasive.”
Yet, not everyone is convinced. Senator Fredrick Guffaw (I-MN) has criticized the initiative, arguing that the funds could be better spent on more conventional defense strategies. “While I appreciate a good cookie, I’m not sure they can stop tanks,” Guffaw remarked while munching on a cookie himself at a recent press conference. He then added, “But this one says, ‘A wise man builds bridges, not walls,’ which is… surprisingly insightful.”
The program has already faced challenges, including a recent incident in which a batch of fortune cookies was accidentally shipped with a batch of misprinted fortunes containing fortune-telling clichés like ‘Your lucky numbers are 404,’ resulting in mild panic among numerologists.
Meanwhile, a viral campaign dubbed “Fortunes for Freedom” has emerged, encouraging the public to submit their own inspirational quotes online to be used in future cookies. The campaign has generated thousands of submissions, though some, like “Can you believe this is real news?” have been deemed “too self-aware” by Pentagon censors.
As tensions continue to simmer across the Taiwan Strait, Pentagon officials remain steadfast in their belief that fortune cookies will play a crucial role in global peacekeeping efforts. “The world is unpredictable,” stated General O’Malley. “But if a simple cookie can offer wisdom, solace, or even a moment’s pause, then they’re worth every penny.”
In related news, the Pentagon’s newest slogan, “Fortune Favors the Prepared,” has been embroidered on uniforms across the armed forces, leaving many soldiers wondering when their next fortune might arrive.
