*WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold and unprecedented move that has already sent shockwaves through industries across the nation, former President Donald Trump announced a new “Survival of the Fittest” approach to workplace safety, suggesting that natural selection could be a more effective method for improving job site conditions than traditional safety regulations.*
Under the proposed initiative, which Trump described as “the next logical step in making America great again,” companies would no longer be required to provide basic safety equipment, training, or safety protocols. Instead, employees would be encouraged to navigate their hazardous work environments using their own intuition and willpower—a method he believes will ultimately strengthen the American workforce.
“Real champions don’t need helmets or harnesses to prove their worth,” stated former President Trump at a press conference held atop a precariously balanced pile of scaffolding. “If someone can’t dodge a falling anvil, maybe they weren’t cut out for that line of work. It’s just common sense!”
The plan, by Trump’s account, is expected to boost productivity by eliminating what he refers to as “unnecessary safety breaks” and “time-wasting caution.” Additionally, he predicts it will reduce company overheads by billions, as the need for safety supervisors and equipment will be dramatically minimized.
While many business leaders have expressed tentative support for the potential cost savings, the announcement has faced pushback from safety experts and physiologists alike. Dr. Barbara Breedlove, a noted occupational hazard expert, criticized the initiative, arguing that it misunderstands the very premise of natural selection. “Evolution takes millions of years. This plan might just expedite one’s journey to the ER,” Breedlove commented dryly.
In a surprising plot twist, several high-profile corporations have shown enthusiastic interest in becoming early adopters of the plan. Brett Fairchild, CEO of the tech-construction hybrid giant Innovatrisk, stated, “Our employees are innovators and trailblazers. If they can’t safely navigate a project using a hoverboard and a nail gun, then maybe it’s time for some tough love—and by tough love, I mean, survival instinct.”
Meanwhile, a grassroots movement among workers has formed in implicit support of the initiative under the name “Revival of the Fittest.” The group’s spokesperson, a trapeze artist-turned-drilling contractor identified only as “Iron Lung Larry,” addressed the media while juggling chainsaws. “We’re ready to test our mettle! This is about freedom—freedom to live, or not, by our own skills. Plus, it’ll add character and a little pizzazz to the daily grind.”
Critics, however, remain skeptical, pointing out that increasing workplace hazards could undermine labor market stability. “We’re concerned this might lead to a shortage of willing workers, which could be bad for the economy—or great, depending on how you look at it,” noted skeptical economist, Dr. Alton Wayward.
As the nation watches this bold proposal unfold, it remains uncertain whether Trump’s new “Survival of the Fittest” strategy will ultimately lead to a stronger, more resilient workforce or simply result in a dramatic increase in job opening ads on skyscraper billboards. For now, the only certainty is that helmets, much like caution, will be increasingly thrown to the wind.
