*Belém, Brazil — In an unprecedented move that has experts scratching their heads, officials overseeing the upcoming COP30 Climate Summit have announced a plan to gently relocate the Amazon rainforest to make way for a commemorative golf course designed to honor the event. The initiative aims to provide a sustainable venue for world leaders to discuss climate action while enjoying a round of environmentally-conscious bocce ball, complete with organic caddies.*
According to state officials, the ambitious project will involve painstakingly uprooting tens of thousands of acres of the rainforest with modern “ecological extraction” techniques, which experts assure are “completely safe and 100% effective.” “We’re not just moving trees; we’re creating a vibrant new ecosystem—a golf course where the greens will be as lush as the rainforest itself,” proclaimed Dr. Arboreal Treehugger, a leading ecologist and self-proclaimed advocate for “natural relocation.”
The golf course will feature signature holes shaped like endangered species, such as “The Sloth Drive” and “The Macaw Water Hazard,” which developers say will provide both a unique challenge and an educational experience for players. “You’ll putt while learning about biodiversity,” enthused local golf enthusiast and renowned climate change skeptic, Chip Fairway. “What could be more environmentally friendly than playing on grass that used to be an ancient tree?”
In an effort to maintain the forest’s spirit, developers have promised to employ local artisans to handcraft golf clubs from the very same trees that will be relocated. “It’s a full-circle moment,” stated Maria Greenleaf, an enthusiastic contractor involved in the project. “Think of it as a sort of spiritual transfer—it’s the trees’ way of giving back to society.”
Despite the optimism from developers, conservationists are expressing their outrage through a series of protests that have included tree-hugging flash mobs and extensive tree-planting initiatives, ironically located in non-forest areas. “This is the epitome of climate hypocrisy,” stated Rosa Earthlover, a local environmental activist. “We’re literally bulldozing the lungs of the planet to tee off. It’s a paradox worthy of a bad sitcom.”
Adding another layer of absurdity, local wildlife officials announced plans to provide personal guidance to animals being displaced. “We’re giving each creature a GPS collar and a five-star travel itinerary,” said Bob Wildlife, head of the Animal Relocation Division. “They can experience their new home while also enjoying complimentary vegan meals along the way. It’s all very humane, trust me.”
As the countdown to the summit continues, a growing number of attendees have expressed concerns over the accessibility of the golf course. “We’ve heard there are plans to host a driving range in the middle of the rainforest,” said an insider from the United Nations. “If that’s true, we might as well change the name to COP30: Climate OF Putt.”
As world leaders prepare to descend upon Belém with clubs in hand, only time will tell if the gentle relocation of the Amazon rainforest will be heralded as a groundbreaking achievement in “green” development or just another example of humanity’s “we mean well” approach to environmental stewardship.
