*Washington, D.C. — In a groundbreaking move that has sent shockwaves through the political landscape, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. hosted an exclusive raw milk tasting party in the Oval Office yesterday, where attendees were allegedly encouraged to sample his homemade cheese, which he may or may not have been secretly selling to foreign diplomats.*
Sources confirm that the event, titled “From Dairy to Democracy,” was designed to promote raw milk, a topic that RFK Jr. has passionately championed despite the few health officials who continue to warn against its controversial consumption. The guest list, which included prominent figures such as Canadian Ambassador Léonard Bouchard and the Libyan Minister of Dairy Exports, raised eyebrows as details emerged about the cheese product line known colloquially as “Keenan Cheese.”
“This is a revolutionary step in diplomacy,” stated White House Press Secretary Helen Grimsby. “Who knew that our foreign relations could be enhanced by artisanal dairy products? It’s a brie-lliant concept, really.”
The event began with RFK Jr. delivering a rousing speech on the benefits of unpasteurized dairy, complete with PowerPoint slides that featured graphs comparing the nutritional value of raw milk to that of “pasteurized capitalist beverages.” Guests were then invited to sample a variety of raw milk shots, each accompanied by an artisanal cheese pairing, including options like “Diplomatic Swiss” and “Negotiation Gouda.”
“I have never felt this patriotic while eating cheese,” expressed Bouchard, savoring a piece of “Keenan Brie” with an expression of sheer delight. “If this is what American diplomacy looks like, I want in!”
However, the plot thickened when investigative journalist Marissa Curdle leaked a series of text messages purportedly between RFK Jr. and a known cheese smuggler from Wisconsin. One text read, “Just closed a deal for 500 pounds of ‘Freedom Feta’ to the Swiss Ambassador—let’s get that farm-to-table tax write-off!”
The White House was quick to deny any allegations of impropriety. “This is purely a cultural exchange,” insisted Grimsby. “Besides, what’s the harm in selling a little cheese to bolster international relations? It’s no different than selling arms—except it’s cheese. Delicious cheese.”
The situation escalated further when the CDC issued a tongue-in-cheek statement warning attendees to “keep a close eye on their digestive systems” after reports of mild discomfort from some tastings began to circulate. “I felt like I was part of a political art installation,” said one unnamed diplomat. “Like, ‘What really is democracy if not a giant cheese wheel rolling downhill?’”
In a shocking twist, it was later discovered that the raw milk used in RFK Jr.’s catering came from a clandestine farm allegedly run by the high-profile conspiracy theorist, who claimed to have communicated with bovine intelligences regarding optimal milking techniques. The farm reportedly operates under the name “Moo-topia,” further fueling speculation about the extent to which this dairy-driven diplomatic endeavor could impact U.S. foreign policy.
As the fallout from the tasting party continues, one thing is certain: America’s political stage has become a veritable cheese platter of unexpected alliances and absurdity. As RFK Jr. famously said during the event, “May our relations be as strong as the curd—and as creamy as the butter!”
