*By The Onion News Desk*
*April 28, 2023 — WASHINGTON, D.C.*
In a groundbreaking policy shift that experts are calling “a win-win for fiscal responsibility,” the U.S. government announced this week that Social Security checks will now include “IOU” notes from student borrowers alongside their monthly benefits. The initiative aims to streamline the process of collecting defaulted student loans and to foster a sense of community among Social Security beneficiaries and their financially struggling younger counterparts.
Starting in June, seniors receiving Social Security can expect their monthly checks to be accompanied by colorful notes scrawled in marker that promise repayment from borrowers who have defaulted on their student loans. “It’s an innovative way to engage two demographic groups that have historically felt disconnected from one another,” stated Head of Debt Innovations at the Department of Education, Dr. Mildred P. Fiscal. “Seniors will experience the thrill of currency with a personal touch, while students will be encouraged to meet their financial obligations.”
The IOUs will be printed on pastel-colored paper designed to resemble a birthday card, complete with cartoon graphics of graduation caps and dollar signs. Students will be required to write their heartfelt promises of repayment, such as “Dear Grandma, I’m really sorry I borrowed too much for art history. I promise to pay you back as soon as I make it big as a barista!” Some notes even feature doodles of cats or motivational quotes from famous philosophers, such as “Carpe Diem” or “YOLO.”
Senior citizens receiving these checks have expressed mixed reactions. “Frankly, I’m confused. Where’s my money? I don’t want a piece of paper! I need to pay for my bingo and ensure my supply of Ensure,” said 72-year-old Dolores Jenkins, who has been collecting Social Security for nearly a decade. In response, the government has assured beneficiaries that the accompanying IOUs will have an official value of 0.2% of a dollar, redeemable at participating thrift stores.
In a surprising turn of events, the Postal Service announced they would begin accepting the IOUs as a valid form of currency for postage, which has left many wondering if the entire economy might soon pivot to include such whimsical promissory notes. “We’re all about innovation!” exclaimed Postmaster General Priscilla Speedwell. “Imagine buying your stamp with a heartfelt message from a 20-something who regrets their liberal arts degree. It’s a new era!”
Opposition voices in Congress have expressed skepticism about the IOUs, with some Congress members labeling them as “vague scribbles.” However, disappointed critics have been somewhat mollified by the news that the Department of Education will also release a line of collectible IOU cards featuring famous student borrowers throughout history. These cards are expected to feature stars like Mark Zuckerberg, whose own student loans have long been a topic of public speculation.
As the government prepares for the implementation of this new initiative, the future of Social Security checks now hangs in the balance, with many wondering if the new IOUs will become the new norm—or just another absurd chapter in America’s ongoing struggle with student debt.
