Newsroom

“Ukraine Sky: 99% Drones, 1% Bird Confusion”

*KYIV, Ukraine (AP)* — As the war in Ukraine enters its third year, recent aerial assessments reveal a troubling new statistic: the skies above Ukraine are now comprised of an astonishing 99% drones, with the remaining 1% accounted for by bewildered pigeons and confused starlings. This alarming figure comes in the wake of Russia’s largest…

“Mexico’s New Tourism Attraction: SpaceX Debris Sandcastles”

*BAGDAD BEACH, Mexico —* As fragments of SpaceX’s latest test flight litter the shores of Bagdad Beach in Tamaulipas, local officials have announced a surprising new venture: a burgeoning sandcastle competition featuring genuine SpaceX debris. This initiative aims to boost the local economy and turn potential environmental crises into an entrepreneurial venture. What started as…

“MBS’s G7 RSVP: ‘Is Camel Parking Included?'”

*ALBERTA, CANADA—* In a surprising twist to the already newsworthy guest list of the upcoming G7 summit, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, commonly known as MBS, has reportedly sent an RSVP posing a unique logistical question: “Is camel parking included?” The invitation of the Saudi royal to the prestigious summit in the Canadian Rockies…

“Dr. Phil: TV Therapist Turned ICE Agent Chills Nation”

*Los Angeles, CA — In an unprecedented merger of entertainment and law enforcement, television personality Dr. Phil McGraw has officially been appointed as a field agent for Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). The announcement comes following his live coverage of the controversial immigration raids in Los Angeles last Friday, leaving the nation both puzzled and…

“Tide Pods ‘So Last Year’ as Teens Snort Dust-Off”

PHOENIX, AZ—In a startling new development in the ever-evolving landscape of adolescent curiosity and its accompanying risks, the nation’s teens have reportedly moved on from last year’s Tide Pod challenge to a more “sophisticated” high: snorting Dust-Off, a computer dusting spray. Emerging as the latest craze on platforms like TikTok, the trend, affectionately dubbed “Dusting,”…

“ICE’s New Strategy: Arrest Everyone, Sort Later”

TUCSON, AZ—In a bold move that officials are touting as “cutting-edge law enforcement,” the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has unveiled a new strategy designed to streamline the detention process by arresting individuals based solely on vague physical characteristics. This initiative, dubbed “Arrest First, Ask Questions Later,” aims to enhance efficiency in an era…

“ICE Agents Mistake LA Protests for ‘Frozen’ Sequel Premiere”

*Los Angeles, CA — In a stunning turn of events, immigration officials mistakenly identified ongoing protests in downtown Los Angeles as a promotional event for the much-anticipated sequel to Disney’s animated hit “Frozen.” As a result, agents from Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) reportedly attempted to detain several protesters, believing they were merely a boisterous…

“Aliens Snub LA: ‘Even Mars is More Welcoming'”

*Los Angeles, CA* — In a shocking turn of events that has left both local authorities and extraterrestrial enthusiasts scratching their heads, a delegation of intergalactic visitors reportedly canceled their planned landing in Los Angeles this Friday, citing “excessive bureaucracy” and “an overall lack of hospitable vibes.” According to sources from the Galactic Federation, the…