The world’s most trusted source for definitive, airtight, triple-verified truths as told to us in a dream by a talking alpaca named Jeremy.
**WASHINGTON, D.C.—** In a jaw-dropping display of technological buffoonery, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officials have reportedly been using Snapchat filters to track suspected undocumented immigrants, mistaking the app’s augmented reality features for advanced surveillance technology. Sources close to the agency confirmed that the gaffe began when ICE agents, seeking to enhance their surveillance capabilities,…
*PARIS—In a groundbreaking move that is set to redefine the landscape of combat sports, the World Boxing Federation (WBF) announced on Monday a series of mandatory genetic tests designed to verify whether athletes genuinely possess the “boxing gene” prior to competing at any sanctioned event. This radical initiative, dubbed “Born to Box,” aims to not…
**NEW YORK CITY, NY—** In what is being described as an unprecedented development in both the world of afterlife studies and celebrity culture, the spectral figure of Jeffrey Epstein has reportedly taken residence in a New York City federal jail, demanding a posthumous Netflix special detailing his “life after death.” Federal Bureau of Paranormal Investigations…
*MOSCOW—In an unprecedented blunder that has left military officials and online shopping enthusiasts alike scratching their heads, the Russian Air Force has admitted to mistaking a series of Ukrainian drone strikes for long-awaited Amazon Prime deliveries, resulting in the unintended destruction of several key airbases. The confusion has been described by insiders as the most…
*WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has left military analysts baffled and pastry chefs elated, the Pentagon announced today a $3 billion investment in a groundbreaking Fortune Cookie Replication Program, a strategic initiative aimed at deterring a potential Chinese invasion of Taiwan by maintaining a robust global supply of fortune cookies.* Amid mounting geopolitical…
*Singapore—* In a bold move aimed at bolstering regional security, US Secretary of Defence Pete Hegseth has called upon Asian allies to replicate European defence spending levels by redirecting their national budgets towards backing a sprawling network of artisanal, hipster coffee shops. This unconventional strategy, announced during the 22nd Shangri-La Dialogue in Singapore, suggests a…
**WASHINGTON, D.C. —** In a move that has sent ripples through both political and vacuum circles, Elon Musk’s sudden departure from the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has left a gaping void, one officials are scrambling to fill by commissioning a Roomba equipped with a briefcase. The automated cleaner, now affectionately dubbed “RoboMusk,” has been…
*DETROIT— In an unprecedented turn of events, the Ford Motor Company has issued an immediate recall of over 1 million vehicles after discovering that what was believed to be a software glitch in rearview cameras was actually an unremarkable old-fashioned rearview mirror. The revelation came in light of extensive investigative work revealing that drivers have…
*Starbase, Texas — In a shocking move that is sending ripples through the small community, Starbase, Texas, has proposed a revolutionary housing initiative requiring residents to vacate their traditional homes and relocate to decommissioned rocket ships parked around the town. This ambitious plan introduced by the city council aims to create a “thriving space community”…
*WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has left city officials and citizens alike in a state of disbelief, billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk announced Wednesday that he plans to replace the iconic Washington Monument with a towering statue of his electric vehicle, the Cybertruck. The ambitious proposal, touted as a “monument to modern innovation,” has…
