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*BATON ROUGE, LA—In a bold and pioneering move, Louisiana state lawmakers have introduced a bill aimed at outlawing rainbows, describing them as an “unnatural display of colors in the sky” that could potentially disrupt the state’s atmospheric aesthetics.* The proposed legislation, spearheaded by Senator Dusty Blathers (R-Bogalusa), seeks to eliminate any occurrences of this “startling…
*By The Onion News Desk* *April 28, 2023 — WASHINGTON, D.C.* In a groundbreaking policy shift that experts are calling “a win-win for fiscal responsibility,” the U.S. government announced this week that Social Security checks will now include “IOU” notes from student borrowers alongside their monthly benefits. The initiative aims to streamline the process of…
*Washington, D.C. — In a groundbreaking move that has sent shockwaves through the political landscape, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. hosted an exclusive raw milk tasting party in the Oval Office yesterday, where attendees were allegedly encouraged to sample his homemade cheese, which he may or may not have been secretly selling to foreign diplomats.* Sources…
*October 31, 2023* *Washington, D.C. — In an unprecedented move to thwart what officials are calling “one of the biggest threats to national security since sliced bread,” U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) has announced a new initiative to collect DNA samples from migrant babies clad in “suspicious onesies.” In a press conference held Monday,…
**NEW YORK CITY, NY—** In what is being described as an unprecedented development in both the world of afterlife studies and celebrity culture, the spectral figure of Jeffrey Epstein has reportedly taken residence in a New York City federal jail, demanding a posthumous Netflix special detailing his “life after death.” Federal Bureau of Paranormal Investigations…
