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*By The Onion News Desk* *April 28, 2023 — WASHINGTON, D.C.* In a groundbreaking policy shift that experts are calling “a win-win for fiscal responsibility,” the U.S. government announced this week that Social Security checks will now include “IOU” notes from student borrowers alongside their monthly benefits. The initiative aims to streamline the process of…
*Washington, D.C. — In a groundbreaking move that has sent shockwaves through the political landscape, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. hosted an exclusive raw milk tasting party in the Oval Office yesterday, where attendees were allegedly encouraged to sample his homemade cheese, which he may or may not have been secretly selling to foreign diplomats.* Sources…
*GALACTIC JUDICIARY SYSTEM—In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through both Earth-based and interstellar legal systems alike, a coalition of extraterrestrial species has filed a restraining order against former U.S. President Donald Trump’s ambitious ‘Golden Dome’ missile defense system.* According to representatives from the Galactic Federation of Unified Planets (GFUP), the proposed ‘Golden Dome’—a…
*THE HAGUE, Netherlands—In an unprecedented move that has sent tulip prices plummeting and horticulturalists into a frenzy, Dutch far-right leader Geert Wilders has withdrawn his Party for Freedom (PVV) from the governing coalition. This comes after the coalition partners refused to back his audacious proposal to erect a “Tulip Border Wall” along the Dutch border.*…
*By Vladimir Ironov, Onion News Network* *MOSCOW, RUSSIA —* In an alarming trend that has set social media abuzz, officials are reporting that bridges in Russia are collapsing at a rate faster than citizens can create puns about the situation. The recent structural failures have led to seven fatalities and numerous injuries, with citizens jumping…
