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*BATON ROUGE, LA—In a bold and pioneering move, Louisiana state lawmakers have introduced a bill aimed at outlawing rainbows, describing them as an “unnatural display of colors in the sky” that could potentially disrupt the state’s atmospheric aesthetics.* The proposed legislation, spearheaded by Senator Dusty Blathers (R-Bogalusa), seeks to eliminate any occurrences of this “startling…
*By The Onion News Desk* *April 28, 2023 — WASHINGTON, D.C.* In a groundbreaking policy shift that experts are calling “a win-win for fiscal responsibility,” the U.S. government announced this week that Social Security checks will now include “IOU” notes from student borrowers alongside their monthly benefits. The initiative aims to streamline the process of…
*Washington, D.C. — In a groundbreaking move that has sent shockwaves through the political landscape, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. hosted an exclusive raw milk tasting party in the Oval Office yesterday, where attendees were allegedly encouraged to sample his homemade cheese, which he may or may not have been secretly selling to foreign diplomats.* Sources…
*GALACTIC JUDICIARY SYSTEM—In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through both Earth-based and interstellar legal systems alike, a coalition of extraterrestrial species has filed a restraining order against former U.S. President Donald Trump’s ambitious ‘Golden Dome’ missile defense system.* According to representatives from the Galactic Federation of Unified Planets (GFUP), the proposed ‘Golden Dome’—a…
*THE HAGUE, Netherlands—In an unprecedented move that has sent tulip prices plummeting and horticulturalists into a frenzy, Dutch far-right leader Geert Wilders has withdrawn his Party for Freedom (PVV) from the governing coalition. This comes after the coalition partners refused to back his audacious proposal to erect a “Tulip Border Wall” along the Dutch border.*…
*By Vladimir Ironov, Onion News Network* *MOSCOW, RUSSIA —* In an alarming trend that has set social media abuzz, officials are reporting that bridges in Russia are collapsing at a rate faster than citizens can create puns about the situation. The recent structural failures have led to seven fatalities and numerous injuries, with citizens jumping…
*October 31, 2023* *Washington, D.C. — In an unprecedented move to thwart what officials are calling “one of the biggest threats to national security since sliced bread,” U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) has announced a new initiative to collect DNA samples from migrant babies clad in “suspicious onesies.” In a press conference held Monday,…
**Beijing, China** — In a stunning geopolitical twist, Chinese officials have publicly accused the United States of “brazenly appropriating” the coveted title of “World’s Imminent Threat,” a designation China claims has been rightfully theirs for decades. The declaration came just days after U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth called China an “imminent threat” during a high-profile…
*Belém, Brazil — In an unprecedented move that has experts scratching their heads, officials overseeing the upcoming COP30 Climate Summit have announced a plan to gently relocate the Amazon rainforest to make way for a commemorative golf course designed to honor the event. The initiative aims to provide a sustainable venue for world leaders to…
*WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold and unprecedented move that has already sent shockwaves through industries across the nation, former President Donald Trump announced a new “Survival of the Fittest” approach to workplace safety, suggesting that natural selection could be a more effective method for improving job site conditions than traditional safety regulations.* Under the proposed initiative,…
