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*Los Angeles, CA — In an unprecedented merger of entertainment and law enforcement, television personality Dr. Phil McGraw has officially been appointed as a field agent for Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). The announcement comes following his live coverage of the controversial immigration raids in Los Angeles last Friday, leaving the nation both puzzled and…
TUCSON, AZ—In a bold move that officials are touting as “cutting-edge law enforcement,” the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has unveiled a new strategy designed to streamline the detention process by arresting individuals based solely on vague physical characteristics. This initiative, dubbed “Arrest First, Ask Questions Later,” aims to enhance efficiency in an era…
*Los Angeles, CA — In a stunning turn of events, immigration officials mistakenly identified ongoing protests in downtown Los Angeles as a promotional event for the much-anticipated sequel to Disney’s animated hit “Frozen.” As a result, agents from Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) reportedly attempted to detain several protesters, believing they were merely a boisterous…
*Los Angeles, CA* — In a shocking turn of events that has left both local authorities and extraterrestrial enthusiasts scratching their heads, a delegation of intergalactic visitors reportedly canceled their planned landing in Los Angeles this Friday, citing “excessive bureaucracy” and “an overall lack of hospitable vibes.” According to sources from the Galactic Federation, the…
*WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move that has sent shockwaves through the naval community and beyond, former President Donald Trump has proposed the commissioning of a new U.S. Navy vessel, the USS Covfefe, to commemorate what he describes as “the greatest words in history.”* In a statement released late Tuesday, Trump announced his intention…
*WASHINGTON, D.C.*—In a baffling turn of events that has captivated policy analysts and mechanical engineering experts alike, a state-of-the-art autopen machine has reportedly hired legal representation to contest allegations surrounding its role in the controversial issuance of pardons during the final days of the Biden administration. The bizarre saga unfolds as President Donald Trump’s Justice…
*WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has sent shockwaves through the astronomical community, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced today a sweeping initiative to rename Earth’s only natural satellite, the Moon, after himself. This decision, aimed at cementing what he describes as a “personal and global legacy,” comes as part of a broader rebranding campaign…
*BURLINGTON, VT—In a bold move designed to address global conflicts with the sweet taste of dairy, Unilever’s beloved Ben & Jerry’s has announced the launch of its latest flavor, “Rocky Road to Peace,” aimed at promoting dialogue and resolution in regions affected by violence. The flavor, which features chocolate ice cream mixed with peace-inspired marshmallow…
*WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold and unprecedented move that has already sent shockwaves through industries across the nation, former President Donald Trump announced a new “Survival of the Fittest” approach to workplace safety, suggesting that natural selection could be a more effective method for improving job site conditions than traditional safety regulations.* Under the proposed initiative,…
*WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has left military analysts baffled and pastry chefs elated, the Pentagon announced today a $3 billion investment in a groundbreaking Fortune Cookie Replication Program, a strategic initiative aimed at deterring a potential Chinese invasion of Taiwan by maintaining a robust global supply of fortune cookies.* Amid mounting geopolitical…
