*October 31, 2023*
*Washington, D.C. — In an unprecedented move to thwart what officials are calling “one of the biggest threats to national security since sliced bread,” U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) has announced a new initiative to collect DNA samples from migrant babies clad in “suspicious onesies.” In a press conference held Monday, CBP spokesperson Tara Genevieve detailed the agency’s efforts to maintain safety by monitoring infants who might be harboring nefarious intentions beneath their adorable exterior.*
“While we understand that babies are generally harmless,” Genevieve stated, donning a tactical vest emblazoned with the slogan “Protect and Snuggle,” “the presence of those suspiciously cute onesies makes us question what kind of plots could be brewing behind the seams. We must act fast, just to be safe.”
The decision comes on the heels of a startling report revealing that the use of “whimsical patterns” and “irregular color combinations” among migrant baby clothing has surged by 5000% over the past three years. “We simply cannot ignore a trend that defies all known fashion norms,” Genevieve added gravely.
Some critics have questioned the ethics of taking DNA from infants who are yet to master the art of crawling, but Genevieve dismissed these concerns, stating, “If they’re too young to speak, they might just be too young to commit crimes. But hey, we figured we’d hedge our bets.”
Sources within CBP revealed the agency’s plans to deploy teams of specially trained agents equipped with DNA collection kits and a niche knowledge of infant fashion. “Our agents are prepared to act swiftly. If we see a baby rocking a onesie adorned with cartoon animals or, heaven forbid, an ironic quote, we’re on it,” explained lead agent Roy Handley.
In a shocking twist, the program has already seized the attention of parents nationwide—not because of the questionable ethics, but due to the potential for financial benefit. “Some parents are using the collection as a new form of amateur fashion modeling,” said proud mother Amber Darlene, who has put her two-month-old on the waiting list for the “Onesie Apocalypse” runway show. “If my baby gets picked up, I get a huge rebate from the government! It’s basically a win-win!”
Furthermore, the program has inspired a burgeoning underground market of “defensive onesies,” which claim to be immune to DNA collection. “It’s absurd,” said rogue fashion designer Larry Bottoms. “I’m selling these onesies made of a special fabric that blocks DNA sampling while still being adorable. It’s the future of baby apparel!”
As the DNA collection initiative expands, Genevieve stated that plans are already being drafted to include a “Onesies of Interest” alert system. “Look, if we can’t profile cute babies wearing questionable clothing, then what’s next? Profiling the pajama pants of their parents?” she concluded solemnly.
As CBP braces for an influx of additional DNA samples—alongside a possible onesie fashion crisis—critics wonder how far the agency will go to ensure that every child is truly innocent before they can express themselves in fabric. However, Genevieve remains resolute, explaining, “In this world, it’s important to remember: better safe than sorry—especially when it comes to the soft, squishy ones.”
