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*TEHRAN—In a groundbreaking turn of events, U.S. officials recently unveiled a new approach to nuclear negotiations, extending an offer of sanctions relief in exchange for what they described as “the most coveted hummus recipe in the world.” The proposal comes at the tail end of seven weeks of tense conversations regarding Iran’s nuclear program, which…
*WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move that has sent shockwaves through the naval community and beyond, former President Donald Trump has proposed the commissioning of a new U.S. Navy vessel, the USS Covfefe, to commemorate what he describes as “the greatest words in history.”* In a statement released late Tuesday, Trump announced his intention…
*MENLO PARK, CA—In a monumental leap for technology and humanity alike, a group of scientists from the prestigious Futuristic Institute for Meme Technology (FIMT) announced Monday that they have successfully developed an AI algorithm capable of predicting the next big TikTok trend before it becomes a viral sensation.* The algorithm, dubbed “Trend-i-Gnaw 2.0,” utilizes cutting-edge…
*ROME—The Eternal City’s taxi drivers have expressed widespread indignation following a controversial comparison made by Mercedes Formula 1 chief Toto Wolff, suggesting that Roman cabbies drive with the same frenetic energy as Formula 1’s Max Verstappen. The statement, uttered in the aftermath of the Spanish Grand Prix, has sparked a vehicular revolt on the cobblestone…
*MOSCOW—In a shocking announcement that has left the nation reeling, the Kremlin officially categorized the recent National Hide-and-Seek Championship winners as a dire threat to national security. This unprecedented move, as outlined in a statement from the Ministry of Silly Affairs, has raised serious questions about the nature of competitive games in the context of…
*WASHINGTON, D.C.*—In a baffling turn of events that has captivated policy analysts and mechanical engineering experts alike, a state-of-the-art autopen machine has reportedly hired legal representation to contest allegations surrounding its role in the controversial issuance of pardons during the final days of the Biden administration. The bizarre saga unfolds as President Donald Trump’s Justice…
*KANANASKIS, Alberta — June 14, 2023* — In a groundbreaking move aimed at fostering civic engagement and promoting positivity, organizers of the upcoming G7 summit announced today that they will distribute “participation ribbons” to protest participants, ensuring their voices are acknowledged even when they are not part of the decision-making process. The initiative, which was…
*WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has sent shockwaves through the astronomical community, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced today a sweeping initiative to rename Earth’s only natural satellite, the Moon, after himself. This decision, aimed at cementing what he describes as a “personal and global legacy,” comes as part of a broader rebranding campaign…
*BURLINGTON, VT—In a bold move designed to address global conflicts with the sweet taste of dairy, Unilever’s beloved Ben & Jerry’s has announced the launch of its latest flavor, “Rocky Road to Peace,” aimed at promoting dialogue and resolution in regions affected by violence. The flavor, which features chocolate ice cream mixed with peace-inspired marshmallow…
*October 15, 2023 | WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprising turn of events, former President Donald Trump has reportedly entertained the notion of pardoning Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs, spurred by an outrageous proposal for a new reality television series titled “Pardon Me, Diddy!”* According to sources within the Trump camp, the idea was pitched during a…
