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**LONDON, UK—** In a dramatic and unexpected turn of events, the Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls have emerged as the unlikely saviors of the tense trade negotiations between the United States and China, taking place this week at Lancaster House in London. When talks reached an impasse late Tuesday, with U.S. Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick…
*ALBERTA, CANADA—* In a surprising twist to the already newsworthy guest list of the upcoming G7 summit, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, commonly known as MBS, has reportedly sent an RSVP posing a unique logistical question: “Is camel parking included?” The invitation of the Saudi royal to the prestigious summit in the Canadian Rockies…
*Ashdod, Israel – October 23, 2023* — In an unexpected twist to the ongoing humanitarian crisis, climate activist Greta Thunberg was reportedly intercepted by Israeli naval forces while aboard the Madleen, a Gaza-bound aid ship. In a bold statement made shortly after her detention, Thunberg urged a shift in focus from international aid to environmental…
*KYIV, Ukraine (AP)* — As the war in Ukraine enters its third year, recent aerial assessments reveal a troubling new statistic: the skies above Ukraine are now comprised of an astonishing 99% drones, with the remaining 1% accounted for by bewildered pigeons and confused starlings. This alarming figure comes in the wake of Russia’s largest…
*TEHRAN—In a groundbreaking turn of events, U.S. officials recently unveiled a new approach to nuclear negotiations, extending an offer of sanctions relief in exchange for what they described as “the most coveted hummus recipe in the world.” The proposal comes at the tail end of seven weeks of tense conversations regarding Iran’s nuclear program, which…
*KANANASKIS, Alberta — June 14, 2023* — In a groundbreaking move aimed at fostering civic engagement and promoting positivity, organizers of the upcoming G7 summit announced today that they will distribute “participation ribbons” to protest participants, ensuring their voices are acknowledged even when they are not part of the decision-making process. The initiative, which was…
*GALACTIC JUDICIARY SYSTEM—In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through both Earth-based and interstellar legal systems alike, a coalition of extraterrestrial species has filed a restraining order against former U.S. President Donald Trump’s ambitious ‘Golden Dome’ missile defense system.* According to representatives from the Galactic Federation of Unified Planets (GFUP), the proposed ‘Golden Dome’—a…
*THE HAGUE, Netherlands—In an unprecedented move that has sent tulip prices plummeting and horticulturalists into a frenzy, Dutch far-right leader Geert Wilders has withdrawn his Party for Freedom (PVV) from the governing coalition. This comes after the coalition partners refused to back his audacious proposal to erect a “Tulip Border Wall” along the Dutch border.*…
*By Vladimir Ironov, Onion News Network* *MOSCOW, RUSSIA —* In an alarming trend that has set social media abuzz, officials are reporting that bridges in Russia are collapsing at a rate faster than citizens can create puns about the situation. The recent structural failures have led to seven fatalities and numerous injuries, with citizens jumping…
**Beijing, China** — In a stunning geopolitical twist, Chinese officials have publicly accused the United States of “brazenly appropriating” the coveted title of “World’s Imminent Threat,” a designation China claims has been rightfully theirs for decades. The declaration came just days after U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth called China an “imminent threat” during a high-profile…
